Warning: This post discusses eating disorders and behaviors. If this will be difficult or triggering for you please take care of your own mental health and skip this post.
There was a time I didn’t believe Intuitive Eating would “work” for me. I spent a few decades lost in an eating disorder. From that vantage point, I was convinced that I was addicted to food. I lacked self-control. I was a food failure.
I tried everything to get more control. The more I tightened my grip to control the situation the more I would have wild swings where I felt completely out of control. The longer this went on the shorter I could remain on any program.
Life with Disordered Eating and Eating Disorders
Black and white image looking skyward. Bare branches on the left side of the image. Flock of small birds in the tree and flying through the sky.
There are many things that are challenging when your relationship with food is strained, but maybe none more so than social events.
I would agonize about the food. Would there be something I could eat that was “on my program?” I would research restaurants before going, obsessing over what was available and how it was prepared. I would typically “behave” while I was at the event, but come home and binge.
I thought I was a really picky eater. I didn’t enjoy trying new foods. If I was going to eat something that wasn’t diet food it had to be one of my favorite foods. Then I would over-indulge and spiral into shame and disgust with myself.
Diagnosis
Sadly, I wasn’t diagnosed with an eating disorder sooner. I never met the one criteria that we always associate with eating disorders: I wasn’t severely underweight at any point over those decades.
This is problematic as we know that the tons (maybe even the majority) of people suffering from eating disorders are not in underweight bodies. I know this now. I didn’t then.
I kept assuming that my trouble with food was not having enough control. I knew my relationship with food was messed up, but I was often praised for my most disordered behaviors.
Finally, out of desperation to heal I went to my doctor and explained that I thought I had an eating disorder. Fortunately, my doctor at the time agreed with me and my healing journey began.
Healing from an eating disorder
It is very difficult to recover from an eating disorder in a world that values thin bodies above all others. A culture that promotes and praises disordered eating behavior. I had no clue how ingrained this stuff was until I started seeking help to heal.
In a society that worships the thin ideal and believes all other body types are unhealthy and unworthy, it can feel terrifying to gain weight. It can be very scary to navigate that while trying to learn a better way of living.
While my eating disorder was at its worst I spent the majority of each day obsessing about what I would eat. I agonized about what I couldn’t eat. I spent massive amounts of time prepping foods that were not tasty and that left me feeling desperate for something else.
Embracing Intuitive Eating seemed like it would be easy, but what I learned in the process (and have seen countless times with my clients) is that it required me to do difficult deep work.
I had to confront my weight bias. I had to learn to accept a body that will never look like the thin ideal I had been killing myself to attain (all the while getting further and further from the mark).
I spent time working through trauma with my therapist. I had to confront all my internalized food rules from decades of disordered eating. I had to choose my mental health again and again when I was tempted to give up and go on another diet.
Walking away from diet culture and embracing intuitive eating is hard work, but it is doable.
Life as an Intuitive Eater
Listening to our bodies and sorting out the various sensations and what we need is a practice that we undergo our whole lives. It gets easier as we go.
I remember going on a business trip with my husband after becoming an intuitive eater. I was not in charge of dinner plans and we were going to a restaurant that was outside my experience and normal picks.
Leading up to the trip and that particular dinner I hardly thought about the food at all. I never even looked up the restaurant. I was excited to try something new.
Over holidays I no longer have stress and spend entire days stressing about the food. I enjoy the people and the conversation.
Best of all. I don’t binge after these events. I eat to satisfaction. I try new foods.
Before this journey I didn’t believe this could be my reality around food. I was certain I was too broken. There are bad days here and there, but overall I have regained trust in myself and my body. Which is a gift worth working for.
It’s not just me
I have been privileged to work with clients on this same journey. I love seeing them go through the process and to start seeing the wins.
For a time I struggled to understand how my training in functional nutrition would fit with Intuitive Eating. I have found that even for people with medical conditions that benefit from dietary interventions Intuitive Eating can be an important part of helping them eat in a way that honors both their body and their mental health.
If you have felt like you will never have peace with food please know you are not alone. Also, know that healing your relationship with food is possible, even for you.
Need guidance on this path? Please reach out and schedule your free 20 minute consultation today.
